Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
