is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
