My nipple is on Facebook.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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