Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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