Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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