Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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