Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
