All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
