one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
