my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
