I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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