Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
