i would punch a child for taco bell
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize