I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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