Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
