I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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