i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize