Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize