its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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