Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
