she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
