Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
