I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
