I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
