Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
