I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
