Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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