He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
