Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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