Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
