I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
