And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
