Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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