when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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