i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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