There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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