u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
