Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
