I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You ruined the universe
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