I wish my penis had an off switch
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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