Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
