got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize