Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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