Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
