sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
