You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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