You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
