I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
