I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
high people should be assigned attendants
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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