Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
