Cold hands, warm shart.
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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