it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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