You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize