we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
