it hurts more in the daytime
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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