woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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