It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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