i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
me + whiskey = a bad person
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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