Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
They took my balls.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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