the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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