my sisters under your porch take her home
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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