it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
