just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
